How to deal with a narcissist when you’re from a different culture



Back in the 70's Romania, psychology was a prohibited topic of study. In case you are wondering why, well, in a totalitarian regime, one couldn't allow people to think too much about themselves and their rapport to power and to those who held it. The mere existence of the Leaders' personality cult did not allow any doubt (or an inner leader). 

Psychology made its way back as a topic of study in the '90s. However, it lacked professional “popularizers” until very recently with Dr. Cristian Andrei (a Romanian equivalent of Dr.Phil). In these conditions, everybody used their own filter of interpretation for the other’ mental health problems – real or imagined - with “crazy” on top of their favorites. Thus, I'd never heard of personality disorders before I got to France. Here, people spoke openly (compared to Romania) about their disabled brothers or sisters, their parents struggling with alcohol or with narcissist disorders, etc.

However, while mental health is perhaps less shrouded in mystery in the French society, the same does not apply in the workplace. It's like psychological disorders would stop at the gate of a company.

I once worked with a narcissist. It took me 9 months to identify them. Like when having a baby. One sees it, but one still can't believe it. Sometimes, one can be so much under their spell that one doubts one's senses. But not for long: because after the promises (of friendship, attention, sharing of ideas, etc) comes a great disappointment. And one wakes up, hangover, trying to understand what hit them. Then one starts talking and digging and finding out – the other (hidden) side.

So, if you’re coming across this type of personality, the main questions would be: is it easy to identify? and what if they’re not your own culture? And how to deal with it?

Well, it is not easy to identify. And less so when the person concerned is from another culture. Why? Because in that case one is usually more circumspect about judging others. One may spend a lot of time trying to discern whether it's cultural, or if it’s their personality instead.

So, to speed things up for you, here are some signs to look after:

  • Very extraverted people, attracting like flies those who want to be loved - this is the majority of us
  • People with very audible laughter, in all sorts of situations, laughter-suitable or not - not to be mistaken with people who like to have a good laugh several times a day!
  • People who act like friends, but only in certain circumstances (i.e. when they probably need something from you in the immediate future) – not to be confounded with friendly task-oriented people
  • People who ask "strange" questions, i.e. questions that seem harmless but are not - the answers, even though innocuous from one’ point of view, do serve some purposes in their bigger scheme (ex: identifying if someone else in the upper hierarchy noticed their behavior, etc.)

Of course, there are more professional ways to identify it.

So, once you've identified it - what to do?

3 rules:
  •     Don't feed it (the complex): good food is personal information, opinions, ideas, etc
  •   Put its contradictions into the spotlight: talking about them brings the complex to light and makes it less harmful
  •        Stay alive: focus on what ignites your fire. Don't let the complex eat your fire and leave you with ashes.

Mental health problems (more or less severe) are well present in the companies and, unfortunately, can even be reinforced within them. Not by the company in itself, but by the behavioral norms that are seen as "good or desirable". The way to exist in a company is via action. It doesn't matter if this action is counter-productive in the long run, or if it doesn't aim the "common good" As there's no time for (too much) thinking, any action seems to be better than no action at all.

While this model has its advantages, it's far from being a miracle solution. But people love action. And people love people who love themselves  to an unhealthy degree (also called “narcissists”), sometimes even if that means loving them instead of loving oneself, or even hiding or hating oneself because of loving them. 

In the end, not everyone is a narcissist. But learning to correctly identify that we’re dealing with a narcissist - no matter their or your culture - is essential to move your own world forward.

Feel free to leave a comment if you'd like to react !

Comments

  1. dalvaim23 November 2018 at 07:55

    Thanks Costin for the interesting comment ! It's something I thought of when writing the article. However I can't say though that high self-esteem is bad, on the contrary ! I think it is essential to have a good level of self-esteem, which in turn allows you to be outspoken, assertive, and so on.

    We know today that national cultures as well as education encourages (or not) a healthy self-esteem : Americans, for example, are known for possesing high levels of self-esteem/confidence. It's less the case for French, for example, and even so for Romanians who have been taugt to "keep their place" ("stai la locul tau"), like for our generation.

    However, I get your point.

    I think the people you are refering to are just misunderstanding self-confidence : self-confidence is not about agressivity/dominance of the others. One can be self-confident while developing their capacities of listening to other people who might be less self-confident or outspoken, and involving them, in short they can develop their empathy.



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